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Ya never believe what
happened to me!
I hired a lawyer to draw up this contract ya see
I gave him yar crayons, a brand new box
And whipped cream and cherries and a two dirty socks
Now would ya believe it, this moron in law
Said, "I want pen and paper, I don't like to draw"
So I tried to explain, "A contract we need!
Preferably one we can sign and then eat
The socks ya can keep, I used them before
For gooey fine soup and stew solicitor"
Now up to this moment I can't understand
Why he walked out that door without shaking me hand
He looked a bit pale and while opening the door
He shook his head, mumbling "Bakery Store!"
Now there's a thought! So I grabbed me stuff
Off to the Bakery, where I met Justine Uff
Who had just been run over by a pale looking freak
Muttering "bakery, bakery", disappeared with a squeak
Man, she ordered pastry for the complete Justin Clan
Took the baker's wife 10 days to fill up the van
I got kinda hungry, so I went to the Pub
To get meself some of that gooey stew grub
And 2 Ale of course, cuz what would a man be
Without Ale to wash the goo down instantly
So here I was, playing with the holo-remote
When a Moose in disguise walked in, wearing a pink petticoat
Now King ya know me, me middle name's insanity
But this got me laughing! I was down on me knees!
Where I found littl' Tex trying to climb a bar stool
He'd been at it for weeks, drooling for a beer cool
His slobbering really came to an outburst
And even tho' the poor guy was almost dying of thirst
He did the one thing a good Texan can do
And contributed his slobber for fine gooey stew
Well back to the Moose all dressed up in pink
He walked right up to Pooh and ordered a drink
Got his hooves on me blank contract, without me fiat
And before I knew it, turned it into a paper hat!
I was just about to ask: 'Got any fam'ly in the 'Stute?"
When I sat on the remote control and dang! … hit mute!
So I'm sorry King, no contract, not even a paper hat
Oh and I ate the whipped cream and the cherries for Red!
Andrew
Scott
Well dang me
there Justin, "There's no contract!" you say.
With legal notation I was hoping to play
Now you say the suit ran, for the door he made haste
Then you jumped in a van, in search of cooked paste
I've heard of this pastry, these things they call doe-nuts
But deep-fried deer testies add pounds to one's beer gut
The next time you're hungry do me a favor please
Get bear claws with jelly, and make sure there's no flees.
As for the sock n'stew, not much more can you do
But for real kickin' goo you must throw in the shoe.
And what ever you do, don't eat from the pot Pooh
Cause honey is his due. Eat that and he'll kill you!
As for Doctor Pink Moose, now that really is strange
There must be a screw loose, his fashion scene deranged
In winter he's partial, to wearing orange duds
While hanging spud facials, "Open Season on Fudds!"
Speaking of potatoes, have you seen our dear Fudd?
I miss his hobbit toes, always squishing in mud.
Where are the brothers Justin, the two of Kase and Thyme
Your two Stuter cousins, with their most insane rhyme?
And where is that black cat, the cat that was all that
Blinking a Morris tat, that said where it was at?
And what of fairy tink, who couldn't hold her drink
For fear of what we'd think cause she'd grow skin of mink?
And my Lady in Red, who I can't rule without
Where once we were to wed, seems not within ear shout.
And the lonely Nurse C, what has become of her?
Has she gone out for tea? Is she still in a blur?
Answer these my queries, what happened to the Stute?
Are we the two to tarry, or should we hit the mute?
What have they
done to you Doc?
Can this here Jeannie play knock, knock?
Yet rumor has it you've gone away,
do you think for Jeannie you could play?
Remember the crazy adventures we had,
could it have been really all that bad?
First thing Doc, the pink petticoat goes
unless you would like me to add some bows?
Like all of us here, everyone else knows
you look better wearing simple clothes.
Now who's this new Tex fellow here?
Trying so hard to gather himself some beer,
stunted growth prohibiting successfulness.
Would you like Jeannie to grant you tallness?
With a wink and a spin you'll be drinking Gin,
could it really be such a terrible sin?
As with Jinn around everyone eventual flies
to destinations of ultimate surprise.
Having a height of six feet would be paradise,
or you could sit on the floor with a pair of dice?
Andrew, could you catch me a minute of time?
I need to make plans before the clocks chime.
Please sit down here next to this stool,
for with my gift the whole Stute you'll rule.
Now take my hand and gaze at the chandelier,
believe me Andrew you have very little to fear.
Count backwards from one hundred down to ten,
then imagine you’re with Lady in Red in the den
dancing together like two chickens in a pen.
(Blink) Oh my, what happened, he looks like a hen?
Justin N. help me please before he gets cooked,
there must be something serious I overlooked.
What Justin? Andrew is laying porcelain eggs?
For now I need to idle him by disabling his legs.
Okay here goes (Blink) Oh no, now he's gone
and he's needed for breakfast at the break of dawn.
Check outside Justin maybe the grass was greener,
even though I always thought the king to be keener.
I got it! Pooh could you fetch me up a chili weiner?
That alone should return him to his usual demeanor.
A chili weiner
you need?
Is that what I hear?
A pale man running me over in the street,
Yelling "Bakery, Bakery",
I'm Just in thyme to see all the mockery.
So a baker you need,
Is that what came to my ears?
Well then let me tell you I'm happy to be here.
My specialties are large,
Me mum's as big as a barge,
What can I serve you?
Lets see, we'll start with the weiner for Andrew,
Now how about some of that stew for you?
Lil' Tex may I have some of that drool,
Never mind, I'll get it from the stool,
How bout a special drink for the Moose in pink?
An Ale is all you seek?
If there's a need just give me a yell
Or better yet, ring my bell.
I'll be back in the kitchen,
Your hunger I'll have smitten.
You DO have a kitchen don't you good dears?
'scuse me
there folks, now wait just a minute.
If you saw a
pink suit, there's no way I was in it!
They clash
with my fur, and that's Justin Truth,
these colors
are best left to those in their youth.
Oh, and why Drew,
did you drag me in here,
kicking and
screaming, and where is my beer!
I've questions for all, this is but a start,
seems like some-one else could have played up this part,
but if you
insist on dredging this up,
you'll get
what you asked fo, 'cause I'm one sick pup.
Bar-keep, this
rounds on me for the sin of desertion.
Doc
Cluck, cluck…
Why couldn't I have been a duck?
At least with a quack I could sell Aflack
But dressed as a chicken, I'm now in the kitchen
Afraid of foul harm, and being sold to Foster Farm.
At best Jeanie could have made me a rooster
Than I could strut my stuff, a real chick booster
But I'm droppin' eggs, like some common chicken
And porcelain to boot, instead of goosey golden
Now where should I hide my feathers and such
Till Jeanie can retrieve me from this foulest clutch?
Perhaps in the freezer, or maybe the stove
No way they would think I'd hide in one of those.
Now wait a minute. An idea I've got!
Down in the basement with all the gut rot!
If a chicken I must be, than marinate me in
Some blue bottled Bombay, my favorite gin.
…three hours and three bottles later…
a clucky song
is heard from the Pub basement:
Oh give me a
hoooommmmeee, Where the
Boozen Blue
Bellied No Cluckin' Duck Free
Rangin'
Chicken of the Kitchen, X-King of the Insane
Rooooaaaaammmm! Hick! And
the Mooooossseee
and the
Jeeeeneeees allllll plaaayyyy! Hick!
All right,
Listen one and all,
I will always be the one who calls
out orders and runs the Stute,
so let none of you ever dispute.
Jeannie here thinks she can change
and in her mind hopes to rearrange
the rank of official members in rule,
this can only manage to create a duel.
Take warning here, make no mistakes
cross my line, there'll be some shakes,
not chocolate, vanilla or strawberry flavor,
they'll be the kind nobody can savor.
I'll bet the wrath within all of you
will challenge me to what's thought due.
Yet when the curtains close tonight
the verdict for solution will be out of sight.
What is with
all that racket?
Oh, Nurse Crachett,
Could you put that chicken in a straight jacket?
All that singing and such,
I cant hear my bells ding and I'm making lunch.
Oh I suppose no one would mind a few burnt frog toes..
Oh and Thanksgiving's coming up as everyone knows.
Oh to feed this crowd I'm going to need turkeys galore,
Do tell me where is your nearest store?
Hick! Eggs
here, eggs there… the floor is thick
Hick! Ay damn thar be another chick!
Hick! Two in one, that be a neat trick!
Hick! I hope Doughboy can scramble quick.
Hick! Is that Cratchet scratch I'm hearin'?
Hick! Drawin' lines and challenge callin'.
Hick! Well I call foul, I ain't no chicken
Hick! No cock I be, but I know fightin'.
Hick! But first one more shot of Bombay.
Hick! And one more shot for along the way.
Hick! Ah, the heck with her, I think I'll stay.
Hick! Nested down in my brood of Bombay.
Hick…well would you look at that… blue eggs!
Oh dis-belief!
disaster knocks
our dear friend Drew has caught the pox!
No doubt t'was the electro-shocks
that has him wearing feathered socks!
Dear Jeannie quick, I know I've erred
pray not too late to get things squared.
The king is now in dire need
lest Colonel Sanders on him feed!
With seven herbs and spices fried
in bucket thrown with fresh baked side
of dinner rolls and mashed up spuds
this is no fate for our good bud!
'tis not for me I ask this deed
so save him quick with utmost speed!
For those who cluck the dinner bell
without your help does not bode well!
Cluck, cluck?
My 'Drew a hen? Oh dear!
It could have been far worse I fear
You could have been the cold turkey
The 'Stute's Thanksgiving dish gooey
No golden eggs for Lady Red?
Porcelain eggs are not too bad
I've always fancied collecting
Russian eggs flavoured blue gin
But please stop rolling through that mud
You almost look like Elmer Fudd!
In no freezer or stove you hide!
You better stay at Lady's side
Until Doughboy fixes your weiner
Lots of chili to taste meaner
Or would you prefer instead
A well fried crispy Potato Head?
Which reminds me of a pink petticoat
I met yesterday down the road
A lady Moose in great distress
Was searching for her Moo-Moo-ness
"My son I lost to an institute,
My Moo-Moo deer, he is real cute
Now should you find a Moose my dear
Who looks like a Doc and dresses like deer
Please hold him tight or lock him up
Keep him busy in the workshop
Give me a call, I'll be right here
Mummy misses her Moo-Moo deer"
I've sent her over to the Corner Pub
To get more info on her lost pup
Anyone seen this Lady in Pink?
She was on her way for a drink …
1, 2, 3 - 1,
2, 3
Red will ye waltz with me?
4, 5, 6 - 4, 5, 6
'Drew has the pox of chicks
1, 2, 3 - 1, 2, 3
He better watch Nurse C
5, 6, 8 - 5, 6, 8
Now he is easy bait
Right to his bone she'll pluck
After she'll try her luck
Dusting his feathers Red
Leaving him stark-naked
Now that she 'Drew the line
Making shakes really fine
Eggnog and Villanelle
Thinks she's the Stute's damsel
1, 2, 3 - 1, 2, 3
Not on me toes honey
6, 8, 9 - 6, 8, 9
Look at me new coat fine
Gift from our Tinker-dear
Who's now quite mad I fear
I got me hands on her
Slicing off this swell fur
1, 2, 3 - 1, 2, 3
Moose for presidency!
Since folks cannot decide
Let Moose run House in White
Take with him Nurse Crachet
And all the straitjackets
Kace and Thyme are frantic
To clean out Bill's attic
I'll be without a doubt
Minister of the crowd
Treat of insanity
Nation wide lunacy!
1, 2, 3 - 1, 2, 3
Muted a Moose mummy
Bandages didn't show
Thought 'twas a pink wacko
8, 9, 4 - 8, 9, 4
Tex playing on the floor
Jinn can make ye real grand
Six feet under the sand
Doughboy is going soft
Moulded by C. too oft
Stole royal kitchen from
King, now expect napalm
Unless ye want facelift
Make weiner royal gift
Make him again Andrew
Before he flies in stew
1, 2, 3 - 1, 2, 3
A pleasure 'twas Lady
Hope yar next dance will be
With chicken royalty
Justin N.
A fine
feathered mess you now are in
as yet not saved, where are you Jinn?
Oh well, let's see what's in my bag
I may have something here to snag
you back from Colonel Sander's menu
but let's see first, and later then you
can produce your insurance card.
Take two of these and swallow hard,
there I think that's done the trick,
a poult that moults, you're looking slick,
but best get in this jacket quick,
before Nurse C. finds out you're sick!
There once was
a time I was king
The ruler of the Stute East Wing
Now I'm just a free range chicken
Hiding from the Doughboy's kitchen
In the Pub basement I have been
Drinking all of their Bombay gin
Poppin' out these porcelain blue eggs
That look and feel like mini-kegs
Four bottles of gin I've put down
And not yet these troubles I've drown
If I were just rooster lookin'
I'd be free from Doughboy's cookin'
Hmmmmm.... perhaps a disguise is what's called for.
Now if I could
just find me a pair of red rubber gloves.
Hey
Doc! What brings you down to the basement?
Careful of the
eggs… Pills? Sure I'll take a few…
don't know
what good they'll do, but I'll take them just for you.
Say… would you
by chance have a few red rubber
gloves in that
wonder bag of yours. You do! Great! …
Can you lend
me a hand? Ya… that's it…
one on the
head… the other on the tail end.
Perfect! Now
if I ain't a rooster than dip me in batter
and call me
McDugget!… Say Moose…
you ever think
about running for President? Just a thought…
OK! Call the
Moose squad! Sharpen yer crayons!!!
We have a spy
in the 'Stute!!
This is what I found in me mailbox!!
Answering Machine at the 'Stute:
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1
repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone
to press 2 for
you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4,
5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and
what you want.
Stay on the line so we can
trace your
call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will
be transferred
to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a
small voice
will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter
which number
you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget
with the pound
key until a representative
comes on the
line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your
name, address,
telephone number, date of
birth, social
security number, and your
mother's
maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder,
slowly and
carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave
a message
after the beep or before the beep.
Or after the
beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
All operators
are too busy to talk to you."
WHO?????
I'm a chicken…
I've got no fingers to press
buttons or to
use a rotary phone with.
Granted, I
could peck the numbers, but I
just had my
beak manicured and if you
think I'm
going to chip this polish, your crazy!
Now as for
your spy… this sounds like the
work of Nurse
Cratchet… always playing with
numbers she
is… you know… "Time for this,
time for
that"… "You get four pills… you get five."
Yep… sounds
like her work if you ask me.
I wouldn't
trust a number cruncher as far as
I can count…
and that's at least to ten…
or at least
eight… maybe three. Watch yourself
Justin N… I suggest
you take a mirror wherever
you go… ya
can't be too careful.
Take it from
me… I'm a chicken!
Ye could 'ave
knocked me down with a feather
when I read
that letter! Can't ye see they stole
MY numbers?
How am I supposed to dance
with Red
again? Dang! Now I'll lose count!!
Or ye think
they stole them for the elections?
Seems they're
short a few numbers…or did
the FBI find
out Moose is running for president?
Call Fox and
Scully! Hmm, better not call Fox
with a chick
in the house. We best head for the
House in White
and start cleaning out that attic.
We'll get to
the bottom of this, even if it's a double
one! Find the
Moose and go! I've heard chicks
are allowed in
there. Whoever did this…his days
are
numbered!!Hold on King…I know ye want to
be cock of
this walk but… here…yer red glove…
stick yer tale
back on first! Ye look like a chicken rooster!
Ten digits on
the telephone
that tell you what to do.
But when you don't know who to call
they're of no use to you.
The numbers in a poll might say
you've got 'em by a nose.
Don't count blue eggs before they're hatched
or dare to pre-suppose,
that just because you may have won
the Prez you now will be.
'Cause that's not how these things are done
you'll have to wait and see.
Statistically you are odds on
the favorite on this track.
But weighing all the pros and cons
I can't tell front from back!
No matter how it all adds up
it still will not compute.
So say the meds within my cup
in side the institute.
The square route of this whole dispute
will still not out Fox Mulder.
But Scully's vote is prob'ly moot
'cause Fudd that spud just culled her!
Doc, good to
see you again,
tell me please how you've been?
Looks like those pills failed
for your attempt you'll be hailed.
Now for our sweet Andrew hen,
I've rested so now let me try again.
One, two, three (blink) (blink) (blink)
Oh gosh, your now a rooster with a drink!
I think I need to confer with Doc
seems my mind has gone to flock.
I knew I'd find
you,
but nesting here with ONE FLEW?
Look at that crown of red,
and that Elvis pelvis of dread.
Your cock-a-doodle-doo
will set us off without a clue.
Oh, your feathers so sweet
with my enticing duster to compete,
together the Stute we'll clean
since I am the feather duster queen.
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