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by Andrew Scott
Part I
Satan's Snows
Lord Satan was sick
With a kink in his tail
So he called for Bal
Best apothecary in Hell
Bal took one look
At that bent old tail
Produced to white pills
And a bill of sale
"Here, take two of these,
And call me in the morn.
Now, no torturing sinners
And go watch some bad porn"
So down the pills went
With the greatest of ease
And in half an hour
Came Satan's first sneeze
It was the first of many
That just wouldn't stop
And the more he sneezed
The worse they got
With each great blast
Satan's anger grew
A madness so hot
That his horns turned blue
Sneeze after sneeze
He was now in full rage
That the Devil couldn't stop
Put his mind in a haze
Then the final fit came
With one last blow
Making Satan's mind so befuddled
That he caused it to snow
As the white flakes fell
Promises came to mind
And Satan made one more
That he'd pay Bal in kind
But how was Bal to know
What would make the Devil sneeze
That taking penicillin
Would trigger sever allergies
Poor Bal now stands in a vat
With monkey vomit to his chin
While imps in speedboats go round
Making waves that never thin
So if you find yourself
Traveling heated lands below
Reserve some pity for the demon
Who had a hand in Satan's Snow
Part II
Bal's Accession
You've all read the story
Of apothecary Bal
Who was indirectly responsible
For Hells first snow fall
Now with Hell frozen over
In a bank of white flakes
Satan was busy making good
On oaths one shouldn't take
The Eagles were touring again
And U S Woman's Soccer won
While the Pope had decreed
It was "OK" to have
protected fun
When God caught wind of it all
He just had to know
Was it true what he'd heard?
Had Satan made it snow!
So down God did go
To that fiery pit of woes
Where upon his arrival
He took a snowball to the nose
The land of fire and brimstone
Was truly covered in white
With demons and sinners
In the midst of a snowball fight
Well, God not being one
To partake in such hostilities
Asked one of the playful
For Satan's hospitality
His Holiness was directed
To Hell's seventh plane
Where monkey vomit vats
Were kept for the criminally insane
"Well, hello there Stan"
Greeted God as they met
"How the Hell ya doin' Joe?
What brings you to this Pit?"
"I've heard rumors Stan
That things have gone south;
And you're havin' to make good
Now what's this all about?"
"It's all because of him!"
The Devil spat
As he pointed a claw
Toward Bal in his vat
"He gave me a lethal dose
Of penicillin you see,
And when I stopped sneezin'
Hell was in this deep freeze."
"You know all those times
I swore on a snowball's chance?
Well they're flyin' around…
Just take a glance."
"I've seen your problem Stan
You should know, it too is mine.
The balance of good and evil we keep
Can't have them thinkin' Hell's a
fun time."
"Tell ya what I'm goin' to do
Stan
You've done your fair share of good
You're absolved of all remaining
oaths.
Now melt this snow!
Understood?"
"Oh, and one last thing Stan.
At the hands of a good deed
Bal has suffered plenty
So, He's coming with me"
To Heaven the two flew
Where God bestowed upon Bal
In gratitude for his actions
The post of Surgeon General
It was then that God sneezed
For while in Hell he caught cold
Bal fulfilled his new appointed task
Proscribing two white pills of mold
But how was Bal to know
God and Satan shared the same gene
The one from mom
That caused a penicillin allergy
So when God sneezes
What does one say?
I guess we'll never know
With Armageddon on its way
Part III
Bal's Fall
Our story comes to an end
In this final chapter three
Of dangerous prescriptions
By Bal, Demon Apothecary
He plied his medical trade
Both on-high and down below
Resulting in near flames above
And hellish lands of snow
Now of God's little cold
He kept the last sneeze himself
Managing to put fabled Armageddon
Back on the top shelf
But God was very close
To blowing it all
And with lordly vengeance
He turned to the cowering Bal
"YOU ARE A MENACE!"
God did decree
"And I'll not have your pills
Anywhere near me!"
"Yet, I can't send you
back."
("For mistakes I do not make.
And Stan would rub my nose in it
Of that I'll stake.")
"Bal, Heaven and Hell
Just aren't for you
But I know of a place
That I think will do."
"See that blue speck
Right down there
They call it Earth
That should be fair."
So to Earth Bal did go
With medical degree in hand
A black bag filled with mold
And a job in Maryland
Working for the Navy
Gave Bal's life true measure
Everyone wanted his moldy pills
The cure for foreign pleasure
Till one day Bal got the call
To help a man named Bill
Bal took one look
And prescribed him two moldy pills
But how was Bal to know
Bill had an odd gene
The one that caused
A penicillin allergy
And yet, Bill's was different
His brand of allergies
They made Bill feel quite at ease
Not even a sneeze
Bill soon got back
To his big white house
Where he was pretty loose
So he called his favorite blouse
"Say baby, I'm feelin' fine
Why don't you come over
And show the Pres
A real good time."
So with cigar in hand
And a little tush
Bill was makin' it
When the Red Button he
accidentally pushed
Well, the birds were sent flyin'
In a nuclear rush
Mushrooms on the horizon
Were full and lush
And in the end
The earth went bust
For nothing could live
In that radiated dust
But there is still one
Who walks alone
And calls this wasted
Meteor his only home
For when God and Satan came to
sort them out
Souls to their respective place
Bal, Demon Apothecary they found
and said
"Looks like we've all run out
of space."
(Aside)
So if you're traveling in this
part of space
And come across this wasted rock
so cold
Pass it on by with the quickest of
haste
Because Bal's got a black bag full
of mold
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