The Trilogy of Bal

by Andrew Scott

 

Part I

Satan's Snows

 

Lord Satan was sick

With a kink in his tail

So he called for Bal

Best apothecary in Hell

 

Bal took one look

At that bent old tail

Produced to white pills

And a bill of sale

 

"Here, take two of these,

And call me in the morn.

Now, no torturing sinners

And go watch some bad porn"

 

So down the pills went

With the greatest of ease

And in half an hour

Came Satan's first sneeze

 

It was the first of many

That just wouldn't stop

And the more he sneezed

The worse they got

 

With each great blast

Satan's anger grew

A madness so hot

That his horns turned blue

 

Sneeze after sneeze

He was now in full rage

That the Devil couldn't stop

Put his mind in a haze

 

Then the final fit came

With one last blow

Making Satan's mind so befuddled

That he caused it to snow

 

As the white flakes fell

Promises came to mind

And Satan made one more

That he'd pay Bal in kind

 

But how was Bal to know

What would make the Devil sneeze

That taking penicillin

Would trigger sever allergies

 

Poor Bal now stands in a vat

With monkey vomit to his chin

While imps in speedboats go round

Making waves that never thin

 

So if you find yourself

Traveling heated lands below

Reserve some pity for the demon

Who had a hand in Satan's Snow

 

 

Part II

Bal's Accession

 

You've all read the story

Of apothecary Bal

Who was indirectly responsible

For Hells first snow fall

 

Now with Hell frozen over

In a bank of white flakes

Satan was busy making good

On oaths one shouldn't take

 

The Eagles were touring again

And U S Woman's Soccer won

While the Pope had decreed

It was "OK" to have protected fun

 

When God caught wind of it all

He just had to know

Was it true what he'd heard?

Had Satan made it snow!

 

So down God did go

To that fiery pit of woes

Where upon his arrival

He took a snowball to the nose

 

The land of fire and brimstone

Was truly covered in white

With demons and sinners

In the midst of a snowball fight

 

Well, God not being one

To partake in such hostilities

Asked one of the playful

For Satan's hospitality

 

His Holiness was directed

To Hell's seventh plane

Where monkey vomit vats

Were kept for the criminally insane

 

"Well, hello there Stan"

Greeted God as they met

"How the Hell ya doin' Joe?

What brings you to this Pit?"

 

"I've heard rumors Stan

That things have gone south;

And you're havin' to make good

Now what's this all about?"

 

"It's all because of him!"

The Devil spat

As he pointed a claw

Toward Bal in his vat

 

"He gave me a lethal dose

Of penicillin you see,

And when I stopped sneezin'

Hell was in this deep freeze."

 

"You know all those times

I swore on a snowball's chance?

Well they're flyin' around…

Just take a glance."

 

"I've seen your problem Stan

You should know, it too is mine.

The balance of good and evil we keep

Can't have them thinkin' Hell's a fun time."

 

"Tell ya what I'm goin' to do Stan

You've done your fair share of good

You're absolved of all remaining oaths.

Now melt this snow! Understood?"

 

"Oh, and one last thing Stan.

At the hands of a good deed

Bal has suffered plenty

So, He's coming with me"

 

To Heaven the two flew

Where God bestowed upon Bal

In gratitude for his actions

The post of Surgeon General

 

It was then that God sneezed

For while in Hell he caught cold

Bal fulfilled his new appointed task

Proscribing two white pills of mold

 

But how was Bal to know

God and Satan shared the same gene

The one from mom

That caused a penicillin allergy

 

So when God sneezes

What does one say?

I guess we'll never know

With Armageddon on its way

 

 

Part III

Bal's Fall

 

Our story comes to an end

In this final chapter three

Of dangerous prescriptions

By Bal, Demon Apothecary

 

He plied his medical trade

Both on-high and down below

Resulting in near flames above

And hellish lands of snow

 

Now of God's little cold

He kept the last sneeze himself

Managing to put fabled Armageddon

Back on the top shelf

 

But God was very close

To blowing it all

And with lordly vengeance

He turned to the cowering Bal

 

"YOU ARE A MENACE!"

God did decree

"And I'll not have your pills

Anywhere near me!"

 

"Yet, I can't send you back."

("For mistakes I do not make.

And Stan would rub my nose in it

Of that I'll stake.")

 

"Bal, Heaven and Hell

Just aren't for you

But I know of a place

That I think will do."

 

"See that blue speck

Right down there

They call it Earth

That should be fair."

 

So to Earth Bal did go

With medical degree in hand

A black bag filled with mold

And a job in Maryland

 

Working for the Navy

Gave Bal's life true measure

Everyone wanted his moldy pills

The cure for foreign pleasure

 

Till one day Bal got the call

To help a man named Bill

Bal took one look

And prescribed him two moldy pills

 

But how was Bal to know

Bill had an odd gene

The one that caused

A penicillin allergy

 

And yet, Bill's was different

His brand of allergies

They made Bill feel quite at ease

Not even a sneeze

 

Bill soon got back

To his big white house

Where he was pretty loose

So he called his favorite blouse

 

"Say baby, I'm feelin' fine

Why don't you come over

And show the Pres

A real good time."

 

So with cigar in hand

And a little tush

Bill was makin' it

When the Red Button he accidentally pushed

 

Well, the birds were sent flyin'

In a nuclear rush

Mushrooms on the horizon

Were full and lush

 

And in the end

The earth went bust

For nothing could live

In that radiated dust

 

But there is still one

Who walks alone

And calls this wasted

Meteor his only home

 

For when God and Satan came to sort them out

Souls to their respective place

Bal, Demon Apothecary they found and said

"Looks like we've all run out of space."

 

(Aside)

 

So if you're traveling in this part of space

And come across this wasted rock so cold

Pass it on by with the quickest of haste

Because Bal's got a black bag full of mold

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HomeIndex Part OneIndex Part TwoIndex Part Three

View GuestbookSign Guestbook - Email – Links